Lowering Expectations
A few years ago, when I was taking the courses for Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC), I noticed that my expectations for my marriage were going up. I was studying relationship and learning how to coach both families and teams andI noticed that my spouse wasn’t quite measuring up to my ideals of the perfect marriage. I wanted more. I was experiencing a deeper level of intimacy in my professional relationships and I was longing for that intimacy and intensity in all of my relationships, including my marriage. I tried to talk about it but didn’t get back the deep and reflective conversation I thought I needed. We argued about who did what and and did we “do enough” for each other and for our family.
In retrospect, all that longing wasn’t great for my relationship. Asking for my partner to give me more, didn’t make our relationship better. However, the desire to reduce all that conflict kept us in dialogue and helped us to change our marriage. Instead of asking for more of each other, the phrase that we laugh about repeatedly is, “If you aren’t happy in your marriage, lower your expectations!”
Lowering expectations has worked wonders for our marriage–and laughing about it hasn’t hurt, either. Not having expectations of the way it is “supposed to be” has allowed us to appreciate the contributions from all of our family members. It allows us an opportunity to stay in a place of gratitude rather than disappointment. Somehow, without he conflict I have found the intensity and intimacy I wanted. it wasn’t by asking for it, it was by appreciating my husband and by being intimate with him.
People end marriages all the time because they don’t measure up to the preconceived idea they have of marriage. For us, the joy has come in allowing our marriage to unfold and being grateful for the glorious twists, turns and offerings. It feels good.
By the way, John Gottman, a relationship expert and researcher backs this up with his research. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman reveals that 69% of all marital problems are perpetual–that means they can’t be solved. By lowering our expectations, we were able to stop focusing on the perpetual problems.
This entry is about my marriage, but the landscape of conflict in relationships happens in all relationships and teams. Where do expectations of your team members keep you from appreciating their talents?
